Connection. Relaxation. Games. Videos. Information. Learning. School. Shopping. Music. Work.

The list is endless, especially in the age of technology. There is an app for everything, and the illusion of efficiency has overwhelmed and consumed our world. Screens are no longer just televisions of old and gigantic movie screens, but they have morphed into desktops, laptops, cell phones, video games, and tablets. They have become indispensable to virtually every single aspect of our everyday life, and it’s nearly impossible to avoid using them.

Every time you are waiting in line, or go to a restaurant, or sitting on your couch, you will see adults and children alike with their faces super-glued to a screen. You will even see people texting while sitting next to the person they are texting!

But did you know that programmers trained in addiction are specifically hired to hook us to these screens by using streaks and algorithms? They hijack our brain’s reward system to make us feel that we are more productive and better connected than we actually are.

That’s So Dope

If you think you’re immune, you’re not. Addicts are no longer just substance abusers of drugs and alcohol. Dopamine­­—where the term “dope” comes from—is the necessary chemical in our brains that keeps us motivated. It drives us to be better and to seek rewards. It’s that pleasure-seeking, feel-good pathway that gets excited and keeps us wanting more, and more, and more.

Sugar activates dopamine, as people who have had a bad day will attest as they dive into that box of Oreo cookies for a quick pick-me-up. Leveling up in a video game also sends a spike of dopamine. So does gambling. So does shopping when you find that treasured something on sale.

If you achieve a goal, you get dopamine. When you get that “streak” of posting on social media like Snapchat, or using Duolingo to learn a language, or walking those 5,000 steps every day, you get dopamine. Used positively, this necessary chemical can create healthy habits.

The problem is, not all streaks are created equal.

Think about this: Every single time you get a notification, or a “like,” or a text, you get a small rush of dopamine. The average person checks their phone typically 144 times/day. What do you think this does to your concentration? To your memory? To your ability to hold an uninterrupted conversation without glancing at a screen?

The Stats on the Mental Health Crisis

• Nearly 10% of the population, particularly males, are addicted to gaming, especially since they will play for more than 7 hours at a time. If you’ve ever tried to wean yourself, your spouse, or your child off video games, you instantly see symptoms of withdrawal such as irritability and heightened anxiety.
• When people are on their screens 2-4 hours day, they have a 22% increase in ADHD symptoms. The rate of ADHD in adults is increasing exponentially because they spend at least an average of 7 hours/day on screens, especially since computers are becoming critical to work tasks.
• If teens spend 4+ hours each day on a screen, their risk of depression increases by 25%. Today, teens spend an average of 8.5 hours a day interacting online instead of in person. You don’t have to do the math to be aware that your teen is at serious risk for depression.
• Suicide is the third leading cause of teen deaths and is directly related to feelings of isolation and prolonged use of digital media.

It is Not Good For Man to be Alone

God built us for relationship. He wants us to see each other, listen to each other, talk to each other. These screens are a pale counterfeit, giving us the false perception that we are connecting because we have friends and followers on social media. In reality, they are keeping us more isolated and alone than ever before.

• Look at the teen who is sitting on her bed night after night, texting her friends instead of actually hanging out with them, and wondering why she feels so lonely.
• Look at the dad who is constantly “checking my email” instead of talking to his children about their day, and can’t understand why his relationship with them is worsening.
• Look at the mom who is doomscrolling because watching videos of cute puppies and kittens is more relaxing than interacting with her emotional daughter who is struggling with a relationship with her friend.

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) has become intricately connected to using screens since screens give the mistaken perception of being involved. Teens fear missing out on all the chats, the drama, the need for making sure that their friends are ok. And in the age of declining mental health, their friends are likely not ok.

Teens especially are afraid that if they are unavailable, something bad will happen, and their anxiety skyrockets. Teens unfortunately feel personally responsible as the sole support of their peers, which wreaks havoc on their own ability to self-regulate their emotions. They expect themselves to shoulder the heavy mental burdens of their friends, and they become inevitably sleep deprived and an emotional mess in doing so.  But if they don’t, they feel intense guilt that they didn’t save their friend from a mental health crisis, and sometimes those crises end badly.

Erik Erikson, the famous developmental psychologist, recognizes that peer relationships are crucial to teens’ formation of identity. If parents don’t allow their teen to have a phone, they are inadvertently sending the message that they don’t care about their child’s need to “connect” to their friends. Parents are, admittedly, in a difficult situation as they must weigh their own values against the minefield of their child’s struggle for connection through today’s technology.

Since 95% of teens have a phone, parents feel virtually strong-armed to go along with the crowd, or risk their child being laughed at as that odd, weird kid in school. Teens don’t want to be “that kid “missing out on the TikTok videos, or the friend group chats, or the photos that everyone is posting. The argument that “all my other friends have one” is, unfortunately, true. Parents especially don’t want to be blamed for blocking their kids’ bid for connection, and they certainly don’t want to be held responsible for preventing the rescue of their child’s friend in crisis.

What to do?

The Mirror

Nonverbal cues such as tones, facial expressions, and body language consist of 80% of our communication with each other. In His infinite wisdom, God created our brains to have mirror neurons which help emotionally regulate each other and create empathy. When you use a calm, soothing voice and direct eye contact with your child who is highly upset, their emotional state will begin to “mirror” yours, and they begin to calm down as well.

Screens, however, block these neurons from firing, and they block your ability to read nonverbals. People feel misunderstood because the other person is missing their cues. They feel like no one understands them. They feel ineffective and awkward in conversation. They keenly feel that something is missing, because it is.

Think about how many times you engage in arguments over text, even if the person is in the next room, where the tone and meanings are completely out of context. The texts get longer, the conflict gets heightened, and the emotions get out of control. Nothing is solved, and everyone stays in their room rather than engaging in direct, personal interactions.

Connect in Person

• Put down your screen and give the person you care about your undivided attention. Allow your brains a chance to sync to gain understanding, empathy, and connection.
• Use that dopamine for positive rewards instead of isolating addiction. Build a habit with people by joining an in-person group. This could be a sport, or a club, or a church. Remember, there is an app for everything, so utilize the functions to find your people, and make the decision to engage.

God does not want us to be alone. He wants us to love our neighbor as ourselves. He wants us in community with each other to build relationships and to support each other. He has literally crafted our brains for connection, and healing takes place with the people He has placed around us. We only have to say yes.

Looking for help navigating screen time in your home?

Join our 6-week parent group, Building Family Connection in a Technological World, where you will learn practical ways to set healthy technology boundaries and strengthen family relationships.